Re-doing a Vow – An Anniversary Ceremony

Peter and I were hopeless romantics; our wedding vows were (and still are!) above our bed and we celebrated our anniversary every year on the day by re-doing our vows to each other. Sometimes it would just be the two of us alone in bed, in a field or on the beach at a friend’s cottage, other times we would take a spontaneous road trip to the place where we were married (a vineyard once owned by a friend but now in other hands) and steal away to the spot in the forest sheltered by rock where we first pledged those vows.

Once the children came along, we added two tiny flower girls and later on, our 9 year old “pronounced” us with a wand wearing her Harry Potter robes! Probably the most memorable was our 15th anniversary party (which, having married later in life, we decided to count as our 25th) where 100 friends descended on ‘Hearts’ Delight Cottage’ (named after a line that Peter added to our vows) for a housewarming, renewal of vows (with our flower girls) and the fun, blowout dance party we missed at our very small wedding. It was the Best. Party. Ever.

So, the summer after the spring that Peter died, I had a quandary; what should I do on my anniversary? Our anniversary now seemed like the toughest of special occasions to me. After all, you can still celebrate that someone was born; Thanksgiving and Christmas still need to happen for everyone else. Father’s Day was (and will always be) heart-wrenching, but your wedding anniversary is a dual holiday marking your bond as a couple and shared by the two of you. ‘Celebrating’ it on my own, as a solitude of one, seemed sad and bizarre. What’s half a holiday and is it worth marking at all?

Finally I realized that the core of our celebration had always been repeating our vows. Was it possible to say some vows that I could still keep? I resolved to try and this is what arose from my effort. (I apologise if some of it sounds less than humble; I was trying to promise to see myself the way Peter saw me.)

Our Original Vows

I, Peter, take you, Allison to be my wife
I, Allison, take you, Peter, to be my husband
You are my heart’s delight
And your love is precious to me

I promise to help you and to comfort you
In whatever life may bring us
To trust you and to deserve your trust
I promise that with my heart,
My mind, my body and my spirit
I will honour and treasure you
All the days of my life

I love you and will be with you always.

My Renewed Vow

Darling Peter, Love of my Life

I promise to love you forever and to honour you by taking as good care as you would of all you love
I promise to see myself as strong and beautiful, brilliant and talented the way you did
And to take the best care of myself; physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually
So that I am the best ‘Ally’ I can be for myself and the girls

I promise to raise the girls with kindness, wisdom, guidance, patience and unconditional love
Bringing your quiet spirit of tenderness and joy to them always
I promise to take good care of Biscuit (that’s our little dog!)
I promise to keep your memory alive in all our hearts and lives forever
And always to remind them that they have the best Baba ever!

I promise to protect our family from negativity no matter where it comes from
To make our homes a sanctuary of love, joy, fun, friendship and family
I promise to take care of all you left me

I promise to be strong and capable, but to seek help when I need it
To be easy on myself (as you would be) when I fail or falter
But then to rededicate myself to the goals you and I set for ourselves, our love and our family

I promise to do all I can to continue to make you proud and to help the girls do the same
I promise to rise like a Phoenix from your ashes – with your love my guiding light – always.

Hearts’ Delight Cottage – vowed on July 31, 2017 and every year since

What might your ‘Renewal of Vows’ look like? Are there ways to mark birthdays, anniversaries and even Father’s Day that bring healing and community into your life? For years on Peter’s birthday the girls and I went to the restaurant that he always took us to on our birthdays. Might you invite your children’s uncles, Godfather or even grandfather to be part of Father’s Day? Do you have a plan for the anniversary of their passing so the feelings that it evokes don’t take you by surprise? ‘Special Days’ can be so difficult, but you can choose to face those challenges with a plan and a ritual that makes healing possible.