Cultivate Magic
Falling in love is without a doubt, one of the most magical experiences available to human beings. Whether you’re 17, 37 or 77 years old – what happens when you meet another human being who sees you, gets you, likes you and incredibly, loves you just as you are – is truly life changing. At the start, you can’t sleep, you can’t eat, often you can’t even breathe, your heart pounds, your palms are sweaty, and you have butterflies in your stomach. Science tells us that when we feel these attractions, dopamine and norepinephrine come flooding into our brains, creating the euphoria that we identify as ‘falling in love.’ Later on, as we become more physically and emotionally attached, trusting the other with our heart, oxytocin (the bonding hormone) takes over, cementing our connection, one with the other.
If a scientific explanation leaves you cold, there are probably more words written about the experience of falling and being in love than almost anything else. One of my favourites is Canadian singer/songwriter/activist Buffy Saint Marie who writes “Love lifts us up where we belong.” It’s a reminder that as human beings, love is our highest calling, the state in which we are meant to live. Whether falling in love, being in love, loving or being loved – as the poet Emily Dickinson says “That love is all there is… is all we know of love.”
Whether understood scientifically or spiritually, there’s no doubt that love brings magic into our lives, and it can feel very much like the magic is gone when our loved one dies. I remember very distinctly the sensation of falling in love with and being loved by Peter. It reminded me of the moment in The Wizard of Oz (which was filmed just as the movies were developing ‘Technicolor’ or filming in colour rather than black and white) where Dorothy’s house lands in Oz and she opens her door there for the first time. ‘Kansas’ had been filmed in black and white and as she stepped out of her house into Oz, moviegoers were given their first view of a world of bright and beautiful, dazzling colour.
I remember feeling the same way, thinking that my world had completely changed when I fell in love with Peter. I never lost that feeling when I was with him; the sight of him always made my heart leap in my chest (as does the thought of him to this day!) But the morning after he died, I woke up and felt like I was back in Kansas, cast backward into a drab world of black and white, a world that had lost its joy and sparkle. The first lines of the poem by Conrad Aiken* came to mind:
‘Music I heard with you was more than music,
And bread I broke with you was more than bread;
Now that I am without you, all is desolate;
All that was once so beautiful is dead.’
There’s no doubt that the feeling that all the magic has gone out of your world is very real when you lose someone you love. The spark of attraction, yes, but also the twinkle in their eye, the delight of the inside joke known only to the two of you, the joy of shared memory evoked by just one glance, the passion and exhilaration in the true union of two souls, the miraculous surprise of re-discovering one another in ever deepening ways, the spiritual transcendence of love and the utter contentment in knowing that one other person has your back, unconditionally, forever. All that magic seems to vanish into thin air when death knocks on our door. I remember seeing my mother-in-law after Peter’s father had died and saying to him that the light had gone out of her eyes. It really had.
Yet we are not made to live in the valley of the shadow of death, even if we must visit there from time to time, for it’s not a life-giving place. Slowly, imperceptibly, life turns us to life whether we want to or not and we are brought (sometimes kicking and screaming) back into the land of the living. It didn’t take me long to realize I didn’t want to go back to Kansas (apologies to modern day Kansans, I’m sure it’s a lovely place!) I wanted to live in Oz. I wanted life to be beautiful, colourful, vibrant, alive and full of joy. How could I get there?
I understood deep in my soul that as much as I cherished my memories of Peter and our life together, I could not move forward while looking back. If you compare the life you have now as a widow with the happy years you had with your spouse, it’s a one way ticket to nowhere; you’ll always be miserable. The comparison that matters is the life you’ve now been given and the one you choose going forward. I realized I had always been a seeker of magic and I wasn’t about to stop now! The trick was re-discovering it in my changed world.
Years ago, I noticed a strange phenomenon when I was gardening in my back yard. I would go out early in the morning to pull a few weeds before breakfast and all of a sudden, realize I was hungry and should come in. When I did it was 3 o’clock in the afternoon! I was doing something I loved, making things grow, immersed in beauty, tending, feeding, pruning, watering and listening to birds and the time passed like magic. The Greeks called it ‘Kairos’ or magical time, time in the mind of God as distinct from Chronos or chronological time. When I mentioned this to Peter, he said “Oh, you mean ‘Fishing Time.’ Indeed, the spring that Peter died, my garden was one of the places that saved me (see Nature’s Healing Power) as it took me away from my grief into a magical world where life arises from death.
Over time, I began to realize that there were ways to re-incarnate magic in my life. It might not be the magic that Peter and had created together, but it was magic just the same. I sought out experiences that made me feel more alive, that invited awe and wonder into my life, that opened my heart to gratitude, that surprised me with joy. I was determined to stay in love with life, even though it took a Herculean effort at first.
What might bring joy and magic back into your world? It might be a long run by the water or serving as a baby cuddler in your local hospital. It might be a deep belly laugh with friends over a delicious meal you’ve made or going somewhere you’ve never been before. It might be growing vegetables, learning an instrument, singing in a choir or trying out a new skill. It might be new life in a grandchild, a child’s new partner, a new pet or reaching out to new friends. It might be trying a new venture like going back to work, getting another degree, teaching a course or doing volunteer work that makes a difference in this world. It might simply be doing spontaneous acts of joy and random acts of kindness in a world sorely in need of them! As Irish poet W.B. Yeats said:
“The world is full of magic things patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.”
I know that for me, beauty, joy, creativity, generosity of spirit – these were the things that helped bring magic back into my world. What are they for you? Wherever you find yourself, seek out joy, love and magic and don’t let the light go out of your eyes. Or as Buffy Saint Marie says “Keep your nose to the Joy trail” and you’ll realize you still live in a brilliant, beautiful, magical world.
* See the poem in its entirety in ‘Things’ in ‘On the Way.’