Legacy

On long road trips, Peter and I had a habit of poking through antique shops along the way. Sometimes we’d find a piece of china to match a partial set we had at home, or occasionally a perfect shelf for a bare spot on a wall. But no matter what we were looking for or through, invariably at one point I would pull out a sleeve of old illustrations or photographs and find myself staring at the solemn gaze of someone from days gone by; their moustache or fancy hat, Gibson girl skirt or lacy baby bonnets clues to the decade or century in which these people lived and were memorialized for one instant in a blurry black and white photo.

Every time this happened I would find myself looking at them as they look back and asking myself “Who are you? How did you end up here, in my hands in a dusty old antique shop?” The likelihood that someone who’s related to them still walks this earth is very high and yet, somehow the need to hold on to their picture has faded with time and they’ve taken their quiet place alongside tin toy soldiers, butter churns and washstands from days gone by.

How many of us really know anything of import about people who lived 100 or even 75 years ago? Few of us will be a Van Gogh, a Shakespeare or an Emily Dickinson and leave behind precious works of art; most of us will leave this earth with modest lives that mean everything to those who love us but won’t be remembered for long after they join us in the Great Love. It’s humbling to realize that we are here for the briefest moment in time and, to quote the famous line from Casablanca, most of our problems (and accomplishments!) “Don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world.”

And yet, there is something about the human need to remember those who have gone before – to celebrate their gifts and honour their presence – that is profoundly healing for those of us left behind. For at the end of our days, when so much has been taken or lost, what remains are the memories written on our hearts, the images of love and joy etched forever in our souls. It came to me as I gazed upon those antique-store ancestors of long ago that memories are not really about those who have gone before – they are for those who remain. We hold on to those we love as long as we need to, for as long as remembering them helps us. Their legacy is something we cherish not only to honour them but to make sense of our own lives after their loss. And there are many different ways to do it.

Legacy as Embodiment

Creating a legacy for your loved one can encompass so many things. It can mean embracing their values (See ‘Your Other Half’) or following through on some of their dreams (‘The Bucket List’) or telling their story (‘Live Forever’) so that others may learn from and be inspired by their lives. Legacy can simply mean living in ways that keep their qualities, joys, loves and memory alive; visiting places that they loved, staying connected to their circle of friends, giving time and passion to causes they championed, loving and nurturing the ones they held most dear. Legacy can be noticing the way your children reflect the love their father gave them. It can be the stories his friends tell you years later about the good he did. It can be continuing a shared project, even though it’s difficult doing it on your own. It can be a quiet way of keeping what you most cherished about them alive in you.
What of the one you held most dear do you still want to live into life, share and celebrate? Where do you see their reflection most clearly?

Legacy as Comfort

We human beings are made for meaning. Even in ancient times, we find evidence that the dead were buried with ceremony, their lives and deeds remembered; and later when human beings developed art, culture and literacy, they were written about, memorialized and immortalized in art and poetry. From paintings to lines etched in stone, from a lock of hair in a bracelet to the comfort of an old shirt, our grief is eased by thousands of acts of remembrance as personal and individual as each one of us.

Resting under a tree planted in their honour, visiting a place made sacred by memory, smiling as bulbs nourished by their ashes last fall poke tiny green shoots out of the spring snow, cuddling under a blanket you both shared – the rituals we create and the small tributes known only in our hearts can bring us such incredible healing.

What small acts of remembrance might bring you comfort as the days turn into weeks and years?

Legacy as Honour

Sometimes, when those we love die, it feels right to find a tangible way to honour them and the impact they made on the world that can be an inspiration to others. It can be a way to redeem their life from their loss, to say “They lived – and here is the evidence.” This can happen in myriad ways as unique as each individual.

In the toughest losses, meaning can be found in making something positive arise out of the worst circumstances. Some families who have lost their children to gun violence find purpose in becoming advocates for change in gun safety. The Amber Alert system was not able to save its namesake, but has brought almost 1000 children home safely since its inception. The scholarship created in honour of the young teacher helps a next generation of enthusiastic educators pass on their love of learning, ensuring that the ripples flowing outward from her life will never stop moving.

I planted a garden full of daffodils called ‘Peeping Jenny’ in honour of my best friend and Maid of Honour, Jennifer Lafontaine who left this world far too young at 46. One of Peter’s friends and fishing buddies created a scholarship for local Indigenous fishing guides to go to Community College down East where they would fish for Atlantic Salmon, because in addition to his work as an Economist being profoundly connected to the Indigenous communities up north, he said that Peter always treated everyone the same, from the CEOs he met on those trips to the “local kid who packed his gear.” Every life is full of wonder, kindness and meaning and deserves to be honoured.

So from the bench you sit on in quiet reflection to the big gesture named in their honour, legacy that honours those who came before is telling a story that will live on long after they (and you!) are gone. Choosing a tangible way to remember them ensures that the qualities they embodied will be celebrated and shared going forward, inspiring others in their turn. It can also be a powerful way or saying that death does not get the last word. Life and Love do.

Are there ways you can honour their life that will become both inspiration and example to others?

In a strange way, I take great comfort from the fact that some day, 100 years from now, there will not be a single soul walking the earth who knew me or can remember my life. That’s the way of the world and it’s OK – because at that point, it’s someone else’s turn to be loved, cherished, grieved and remembered.

As long as we love each other with all our might when we’re here and remember and honour each other as long as we need to, those folks looking back at us in that antique store will be just fine.