Shock
It’s hard to describe to the uninitiated the sense of utter shock that losing your spouse brings. I remember having thoughts that verged on the ridiculous. Did a meteorite just smash into the earth and open up a jagged hole bigger than the Arizona crater beneath me? Because that’s what it felt like. I remember saying to a friend who had lost their husband years earlier “I can’t even imagine how you wake up the day after your husband dies, put one foot in front of the other and get out of bed.” Her answer? “You just do, whether you want to or not.”
Even though I was fully present when Peter was sick and he died in my arms, my sense of shock was profound. But I did wake up that next morning, a sunny spring day, only to find myself teetering on the edge of that crater.
Shock and its sister, Trauma (see “Take this Cup from Me. No, Really) are just a couple of the ways that loss embeds itself deep within your being. And while we are often aware of the emotional impact of grieving, we don’t talk as much about the physical manifestations of grief often experienced in the earliest days of bereavement and the physical toll that losing your spouse can being.
Here are just a few of the physical symptoms reported by many newly bereaved:
- a sensation of chest heaviness or weight, ‘the elephant who won’t get off my chest”
- a feeling of choking, a lump in the throat that makes it hard to swallow or breathe
- a feeling of being hollowed out or empty, that only food or drink can fill, however briefly
- a loss of appetite with subsequent weight loss, or ravenousness followed by weight gain
- a racing heart and feeling of high anxiety and nervousness that you can’t escape or turn off
- sleep disturbances; the inability to get a good night’s sleep, or wanting to sleep all the time
Of course, there are many other ways that being bereaved can manifest itself physically. A recently published study from Harvard Medical School has shown that bereaved spouses are at a much higher risk of a myriad of physical conditions. The combination of shock, stress and grief can have a profound effect on the immune system, on the heart, on inflammation and the kind of cellular changes that can lead to cancer or exacerbate existing conditions like diabetes. Just a generation ago, a “Broken Heart” was an acceptable, recognizable cause of death on a medical death certificate and today, “Broken Heart Syndrome” has re-entered the medical lexicon as “a temporary heart condition that’s often brought on by stressful situations and extreme emotions.” (Mayo Clinic) You’re not imagining how you feel, it’s very real and in fact, can be dangerous to your own health.
So it’s really important that you recognize the shock to your system that has just happened. All of the above symptoms, and many more, are your body’s way of responding to the emotional shock it has just experienced and telling you that you are at risk. They are reminders that your need to take care of yourself, heart, mind, body and soul. Alleviating the effects of the shock to your system are not a quick fix, but recognizing the impact on your physical self is an important first step.
If you have trouble sleeping, there’s a wealth of information out there on good “sleep hygiene” habits that might help you to get back into a healthy sleep pattern, which will help with all those other stressors. We all know that we just don’t do anything well after a poor night’s sleep. And there’s nothing wrong with getting a little help from melatonin or your doctor’s (non-addictive) recommendation for sleep aids. For me, a good book and a hot bath usually did the trick.
Many disciplines from around the world can be helpful with creating a sense of peace in your mind and spirit that helps get the elephant off your chest or melts the lump in your throat. Yoga, meditation, running or walking in nature, music, laughter or even a good cry can help send positive endorphins and other feel-good hormones coursing through your body, fighting back against the physical signs of grief. In fact, the effect of exercise has been shown to equal that of some anti-depressant medications in aiding brain chemistry. So get active! Set up a schedule of friends to walk or talk with so that every day, you have someone or something to look forward to and some sunshine or heart-pumping exercise for your body.
Getting help with getting your nutrition back on track from a nutritionist or just making a plan to lunch with a friend can begin the process of healing your body with nutrition, healthy food and hydration. And beware the lure of tumbling into unhealthy habits; they will only exacerbate your physical symptoms and delay your recovery. Hitting the wine bottle alone at 5 pm may feel like temporary relief, but in the long run it’s a disaster for your mind and body since alcohol is actually a depressant. Other addictions may beckon, but now is not the time to take up a new bad habit or overindulge in an existing one. It will simply delay and complicate your physical and emotional recovery. Get help facing that dragon if you need it! Don’t ignore your own health while caring for or grieving your loved one.
Above all, go easy on yourself. Understand that you are at your most vulnerable, physically as well as emotionally. Treat yourself as the “good gift” that you are. Remember how much your spouse loved you and wants you to be well. Think of those who depend on you for their own health and happiness and “put your own oxygen mask on” first. Grieving is a marathon, not a sprint and you are just starting out. Take a deep breath, make a plan for your own health and wellness, gather some companions along the way and set out. One of these days, that elephant will be off your chest and you’ll be breathing easier. Good luck!