Eau de Widow

It took me a long while to accept an invitation ‘out’ (even with a girlfriend) into a social situation. As any single person can tell you, it’s a couples’ world and being the odd one out at a table full of people with their partners can feel pretty uncomfortable, especially when you’re grieving. It’s even more noticeable when you’re long used to being one of those couples and suddenly you find yourself on your own.   

So I got dressed up, put on my best widow’s armour (thought about how I would answer questions from both ‘those who knew’ and ‘those who didn’t’) and joined the fray. Halfway through dinner I noticed a strange phenomenon. The men at the table seemed to be giving me an inordinate amount of attention, practically falling over their wives to pull out my chair while their wives (understandably!) were giving me the silent treatment or the side eye! I was stunned – couldn’t the whole world tell that I was missing my own husband and not the least bit interested in anyone else’s? Horrified, for the rest of the meal I looked down or focused every ounce of my attention solely on the women at the table and made as early an exit as I could. 

A younger widowed friend had noticed the exact same phenomenon and joked “Where was all this attention when I was single?” We called it ‘Eau de Widow’ perfume – a seemingly tantalizing mix – top notes of ‘suddenly single,’ heart notes of ‘damsel in distress’ and a heady finish of ‘sexually experienced.’ 

Although it may be stating the obvious, this simple fact wasn’t obvious to me at all until it smacked me in the face – losing your husband changes you from married to single in the blink of an eye! It’s not only that the inner landscape of your heart has been forever altered by grief, the outer world in which you live and breathe sees you differently as well. After years, maybe decades, of walking through the world as a couple, you are suddenly vaulted into social life as a single woman. But not just any single woman.   

A musical popular after the end of the First World War (which produced a huge crop of young widows) featured a song called ‘Widows Are Wonderful’ which went like this: “Unlike girls who blush and dimple… the widow’s not so simple… Single girls are much too tame… a merry little widow knows the game.” It turns out being widowed is a different category of ‘single.’ It can be a real shock to your system when you are in the pit of grief to realize that some may see you as a threat and others an object of desire, but it’s true.  

In this world we live in, being married confers status. It imbues you with the cachet of both your spouse’s reputation as well as your own, and it also bestows the basic safety and sense of belonging that society bestows on those who live within its norms. Being widowed changes everything about how the world sees you at the same time as it changes everything about how you feel inside. It’s a confusing, disorienting combination. 

To add to the strangeness of wearing ‘Eau de Widow,’ losing your spouse invariably alters the social circles of friends, colleagues, community, strangers and even family in so many ways. Invitations that used to come your way slow down and even stop. You discover that people you thought were good ‘couple’ friends turn out to have been only interested in you because of your spouse. If your husband had status or professional standing (whether related to his work, service, interests or volunteerism) you may find that you are dropped from organizations or occasions you both used to support or frequent. You lose not only the presence, the comfort, love and joy that being married to your spouse provided, but also the  invitations, the interests and maybe even the community that you both enjoyed.  

Will the wives of your husband’s friends invite you for dinner? Some may, some may not. Will your in-laws still feel connected to you? Some do, some don’t. The dynamics in even your own family change; losing your spouse can fling you right back into ancient family  dynamics. Since my spouse was older than I (and than all my siblings), he brought a certain ‘gravitas’ with him when he joined our family. Losing him felt like going from ‘Chatelaine de la Maison’ (Lady of the Manor) in my own home back to ‘snotty nose kid sister’ in my family of origin in the blink of an eye.  

Blended families can be especially hard to navigate. Relationships formed by marriage can easily come apart. Your spouse was the glue between you all and well, once he’s gone – invitations to Christmas dinner get turned down and everyone seems too busy even to celebrate their own accomplishments with you. And of course, they are grieving, too and as hard as it might be to accept, seeing you without their beloved father/grandfather may be painful, weird or just not worth it.  Maintaining relationships altered by loss and grief takes choice, intention, and mutual desire from all parties. Some people may choose not to stay connected, or you may find you want to make that choice, too. 

Finally, if you have children, you can never forget that your and their losses are separate but equally profound. You have lost your husband; your children have lost their father. You go from being married to being widowed and they go from a happy, intact family to being ‘those kids at school whose father died.’ Of course, there are many great resources on helping children with grief but suffice to say that while each family member’s (and friend’s) experience of loss may be unique, all together they make up the much altered ‘landscape of loss’ that you must now navigate on your own.

The simple truth is, being widowed changes how you feel and how you see yourself, it changes how others feel and how they see you as well. Families, friendships, relationships, communities, role, status, finances, expectations, invitations – none of it stays the same. 

How can you find your way in this bewildering new world? One way can be to take stock of your life. You may need to make a move or change your habits, join new groups and let go of others, seek out new friends and let some old ones slip away. Who genuinely has your back, loves you, cares about you and is willing to walk with you as you slowly figure out who you are now? Which friends are truly your friends, who in your family really ‘gets’ you? What’s the balance of time alone with your memories, staying connected to old friends while finding new ones and seeking out adventures yet unimagined that you want to try?

Where do you need to be and what do you really want to do with your time, energy, interests, passion, the life still before you and the love you still have to give, whether to a good cause, a new adventure, a furry new family member or maybe even a potential new partner? Take all the time you need to figure it out, so when you finally go out on the town with a little “Eau de Widow” dabbed behind your ears, you’ll know exactly who you are and what you want as you write the next chapter in your own story.