Nothing Helps and Everything Helps
A dear colleague, The Reverend Dr. Alan Deale once said to me something that was a great help to me in my ministry. Alan had lost not one, but two wives to cancer before he had the incredible good fortune of falling madly in love with my friend Kathleen Hunter with whom he shared more than 25 years of bliss.
But both as a minister and as a bereaved spouse, he understood deeply the truth contained in a simple sentence “Nothing helps and everything helps.”
In a very real sense, nothing is ever going to make what has just happened OK. Nothing short of your beloved walking back through the door, as if returning from a long trip, or awakening in the morning to realize it was just a bad dream, could possibly make you feel better or do anything to repair the hole in your heart, your home and your life.
And yet, and yet – the other half of that sentence is also true! When you feel bereft and cut off from the land of the living, the smallest signs of growth and beauty in nature can recall you to life more abundant. When you think that you will die of loneliness, a friend comes over with a cup of tea and somehow, you find the strength to make it through another day. You are dreading an “anniversary of the heart” and yet when the day comes, someone completely unexpected remembers and their loving gesture saves you.
Never doubt the impact that even the smallest act of kindness, thoughtfulness, hope and love can have in simply making you able to live in a world that has been so greatly diminished by the loss of your beloved. While nothing may bring them back, your faith in the goodness and beauty of the world can return, slowly re-constituted, one life-giving gesture at a time.
This website, too is meant to be a place where we ALL help each other, where no idea or gesture, suggestion or hard-won experience is too small to be help to another. It’s my hope that it becomes a resource, a gathering place, a conversation and a deep well of compassion and understanding from which we can ALL draw, to be the “everything’ that helps each other when it feels as if nothing ever could.
It probably goes without saying that in our interchange and conversation, empathy and kindness are our touchstones. We who are grieving are still vulnerable and fragile, seeking help and comfort rather than advice, opinions or most of all judgment. I believe you know what I mean and look forward to all the ways this community embodies the ”everything” that helps.
A word about joining this community.
As the creator of this website, I hope that everyone out there who feels a sense of connection and would like to share their experience with others feels comfortable doing so.
Here’s how I believe we make that happen:
- Use “I” statements and comment on your own experience.
- Offer support and encouragement to one another.
- Refrain from advice or judgement about others’ experiences.
The heart of this website is healing from grief after the loss of someone you love. Grief is universal, but our lives are particular. Please avoid comments on people’s lives or lifestyles, choices, faith, religion, politics or beliefs. We are all joined by our collective experience of grief and the fragility that accompanies it. Please pledge to be only a supportive voice to your fellow travellers on the Widows’ Walk.
My responsibility as Moderator is to make sure that we keep to these simple guidelines.
I will honour that responsibility.
Thank you for the Widows’ Walk website. I am reading it with appreciation and anticipation, having been introduced to it by a good friend in the senior’s residence where I live. I am sure that I will have more comments later… but already I have noticed many elements that I really like, especially your willingness to share your own story.
Mo
Hi Mo!
I am glad to hear that the site is helpful for you, although sorry to hear that you are in the widows community as well. I weighed how much to share of my own story, but I think that although our stories are particular, they are also universal. I look forward to the wisdom and experience you may have to share with your fellow travellers.
❤️ Allison
Hi. I lost the love of my life at the end of October very suddenly and unexpectedly. My sister introduced me to Widows Walk as she previously worked at the university and was aware of your work. Christmas was the absolute pits for me but for the first time I had breakfast and the whole day with my son and his family. It was exciting watching 2 boys aged 8 & 12 open their Santa gifts.
Our marriage was a second marriage for both of us which I found has its issues compounding the grief, sadness and stress. Perhaps I will be more able to discuss at a later time.
Hi Linda,
Thank you for taking the time to comment on “The Widows’ Walk” and for reaching out. Kudos to you for making it through your first Christmas without your darling. Losing him suddenly in October is no time at all to begin to process everything that’s happened. I’m glad you were able to find some moments of joy watching grandsons open presents, But I’m sure that overall, it was really difficult.
I get the second family complications as well. Families of all sorts are complex and are not necessarily the place to look for unqualified empathy and understanding, but blended families can be particularly tough. After all, all blended families are formed by loss, where by divorce or death, and that previous pain can really rise up and find you when you’re bereaved. I have some experience with that which I wrote about in the piece called “Twisted” without getting into the specifics.
Since you’re local, I’d be happy to go for a cup of tea sometime if you think it might be helpful.
Sending you love and support,
Allison
Sure just send an email to me at reverendallison@gmail.com and we’ll find a time.
Hi Allison
I would love to meet you for tea.
Email me and we can make arrangements.
Linda
Linda, your email does not automatically appear. Please do contact me at reverendallison@gmail.com and we’ll find a time to have that cup of tea!
Blessings,
Allison