Signs

As a minister, I have been in the presence of death and bereavement more than many. And over the years I have had many different people share with me their feelings about a “sign” or connection from their loved one after they have died. A mysterious feather that floated into their hand, a rainbow that suddenly appeared on an “anniversary of the heart,” a butterfly that follows along on their walk. 

I discovered that often, if you ask the newly bereaved, they will tell you of dozens of different ways they feel their loved one is trying to get through to them. They find dimes or heart-shaped rocks, they use their Dad’s putter and sink every putt, a cardinal appears, or a blue jay or a mourning dove, a dragon fly lingers or a fish jumps right in front of them when they were thinking of the one they love.  

The day that Peter died, cardinals appeared at my dining room windows, going back and forth from sill to sill all day long. Later on, a magnificent double rainbow appeared over our city and especially over McMaster University where he spent his whole professional life. Several people had posted pictures of it on social media before I looked outside to see what they were talking about! It was a wonderful sight, bringing a moment of beauty into the hardest day of my life. 

But we all know that rainbows are caused by raindrops acting as prisms for sunlight. I wasn’t paying much attention to the weather that day but it must have been sunny and rainy at the same time, right? A few days later I looked up cardinal behaviour to see why they were at my windows, seemingly trying to get into my house! It turns out that in mating season (it was late April) male cardinals feel very territorial and see “intruders” in their own reflections in windows and often fly close, trying to drive off the intruder. So, reasonable explanations for “spiritual” happenings.  

Although I am a person of faith, I also consider myself a logical person, a rational person, a believer in science and evidence. I also believe there are great mysteries which we do not yet fully understand. But I think I’ve always been a “signs” agnostic. It could be true that your darling is trying to get through to you or maybe it’s just cardinal mating season!   

Then this happened. 

My husband lost his wedding ring the last summer we spent together at our cottage. He was down on the beach, sweeping the sand off our red canoe when it flew off his hand into the sand. He (and the rest of us!) spent HOURS looking for it, marking out a 10’ x 20’ rectangle with sticks and string like archeologists and sifting every inch of the place where it could possibly have landed with colanders and strainers. Nothing. We headed home and Peter, completely mortified to be without his wedding band, commissioned the jeweller who had made the original to make him another. He was wearing that one by Thanksgiving when we returned to the cottage and once again, sifted the beach for hours, all to no avail. Two weeks later (with no symptoms) he was stricken with the stage four pancreatic cancer that would take his life 6 months later. He never made it back to the cottage.

The following spring was one of the worst floods on our river in recent memory. The water came in and went out, rose up and receded over and over again, for long stretches completely covering the place we had been searching. When I thought about his ring, I was sure it was already on its way to the ocean, or at least halfway to the islands by now!

Returning to the cottage later that summer for the first time on my own was devastating. Everything was harder, took longer and felt excruciatingly different. Packing the car, doing the drive (with his ashes in a box instead of him beside me, happily chatting over our summer plans and debating how many pit stops we might take) and arriving alone were overwhelming. When we finally got there late at night, I unpacked the car and the cooler, got the kids tucked in, put his ashes by my bed and completely fell apart. 

I felt so confused and defeated. We had built the cottage together as a “dream home,” both for our children but also for our own enjoyment and eventually, retirement. Now that Peter was gone, I couldn’t imagine having the strength, ability or desire to do it on my own. How could I manage it all when I didn’t even want to be there one day without him? Maybe I should just sell it and start over? I remember crying and saying out loud through my tears    “I can’t do this on my own. I don’t want to do this on my own! If I am supposed to keep going, to keep trying, you have to send me a sign! I just don’t know what to do!”

The next morning, forgetting all about the ring, I went down to the beach for the first time since the two of us were there in the fall. Nine months and a million waves separated those two moments, but suddenly, I realized I was standing very near where Peter had lost his  ring. I looked down and saw a tiny heart-shaped stone (which was the very first gift Peter had given me) on the sand. As I bent down to pick it up, a very clear and familiar voice said “Turn around and look down, darling.” 

I did and there, shining in the sun, completely exposed, not even partially buried, was Peter’s wedding ring. The symbol of our love for each other, thought irretrievably lost, came back to me on the very first day that I was there on my own. It’s still incredible to me when I think about it.   

When this happened I was stunned, disbelieving, and above all, grateful. Then I said to myself – well, if my husband wanted to send me a sign that he was there, looking out for me, a sign that I could do it, or that I should at least try – what more powerful sign could he have sent me than his wedding ring on my first day alone without him? 

When I found his ring that day, something changed inside me. Before he died, Peter said to me “I don’t know if I’ll be able to, but if I can, I’ll send you signs from the other side.” From that day forward, I have believed he is keeping his promise. Not only do I believe, but I asked myself what happens if we choose to believe? The simple truth is, we really don’t know what lies beyond this beautiful world we grace only for a time. What we do know is that Love, the most powerful force on earth, is invisible, has no molecules and takes up no space  and yet endures long after death. 

And we know that the laws of physics say that energy is not created or destroyed, only transformed. So where does the energy contained in a beloved human soul go when their body no longer can house them? It shouldn’t be a surprise that a sizeable percentage of the bereaved report feeling that their loved one is still present in myriad ways. This is someone who has lived alongside you for years or maybe even decades. Ask yourself – where else  would they be?

Where would you go? Wouldn’t you stay close to those you love, helping and guiding them as much as you possibly could? Wouldn’t you expend every bit of your soul’s energy trying to comfort them, get through to them, heal them and let them know you were still there, watching over them? I would, if I could. So would they, I am sure.  

It may be that those whom we love unto the door of life live on in our hearts alone. It may be that their energy joins with the earth and grows flowers or trees or simply returns to a less complex form. But if you choose to believe that their love for you endures, that their soul is eternal and their energy still present, you look at the world in a different way, with eyes open to surprise, wonder, connection, and gratitude. 

After I found Peter’s ring, the world came alive for me in a way I could never have imagined. I see dozens of daily “signs,” moments that reach me when I am most in danger of falling into the pit of despair. An unexpected conversation recalling him, a note tucked inside a book, a bevelled glass window casting morning rainbows around my kitchen. Wherever they come from, and however they find me, they help me get through my day on  the long journey of grief. 

What “signs” do you see and feel? Do they bless you with memory or invite you into the abundance of new life? If you keep your eyes open, you may be surprised by what you see!