Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes
“Don’t change anything in the first year!”
How many times have we all heard that well-worn, well-meaning piece of advice?
And in some ways, it’s true. When you lose someone you love, in a very real sense, you’re in shock. It feels as if the very foundation of your world has been shaken and nothing is as stable as it was before. Studies have shown that six months later, over 50% of bereaved spouses have no clear memories of their beloved’s funeral or memorial service, who was there or exactly what happened. There’s no question that the newly bereaved, still in shock and unsteady on your feet, may not always be in the best position to make big decisions about life.
Yet one of the realities that presents itself along with death IS change! Immediate change from being partnered to being on your own. Change from being a team raising your children to being a sole parent. Change in status and social connections, change in relationships between family and friends. And quite often, change in finance, income and future plans and possibilities. This is brought home almost immediately by the insult added to injury of needing to provide proof of death to all sorts of places (lawyers, banks, landlords, insurance companies, employers etc.) before you can begin to get your “new” life figured out. Change is foisted upon you by the very nature of what has just happened and it can be overwhelming trying to keep up.
But over time, as the reality of what has happened begins to sink in, you begin to ponder how your life has been altered and what you might need to do to meet the moment. Change presents itself as both the inevitable result of what has happened and the possibility of asserting some creative control in your life in the face of something uncontrollable.
Small Changes – can be healing or helpful as you begin to move forward. For months I sat and stared at my husband’s empty chair in our dining room, feeling awful every time. I’m embarrassed that it took me so long to realize that I could simply change the place settings so that wasn’t happening anymore. Instead of setting our oval table for four, I took out a leaf and made it a round table with a triangular setting for three, with me sitting where my husband used to be. Now I sit facing my children and a lovely photograph of them with their father on the wall, with the words “Love You” in front of me! Small change, big effect.
What small changes might you make to ease into your new situation? Side of the bed? Putting up or putting away pictures? Reclaiming a space but keeping treasured mementos on the windowsill? Trying new dishes but still “making him a pie” on a special occasion? Re-arranging the furniture so “his chair” isn’t staring you in the face over your morning coffee, but providing a cozy curl-up spot for the cat in the spare bedroom? Making some playlists of your favourite upbeat tunes to dispel the silence of your home? Even small changes can go a long way to easing your pain.
Medium-Sized Changes – have more to do with how you live your life in the context in which you now find yourself. Who are the people who really have your back and can help you through this time and are there people who are not helpful to you right now? What’s the balance of remembering and honouring the past and planning for the future that you need to find? Are there habits, interests and activities that you need to let go of or new ones that you’d like to embrace? Can the empty place at your table from time to time be filled by a student in need or a neighbour who eats alone? Joining a hiking club, teaching a course or adopting a pet can get you out of your comfort zone, helping you forge new friendships. What medium-sized changes might you make that open new doors without major upheaval?
Big Changes – We know what the conventional wisdom says, but sometimes, you just need to make a new start. Homes can be filled with memories of life but the pain of loss is what you feel. That only child needs her cousins around her so a move to a new city feels right. And with an altered financial situation, some changes are out of your control. Moving in with family or friends to make ends meet or selling assets to live are changes you did not choose, but you still must navigate. But is there a way to make it hurt a little less? I had to sell my husband’s car not long after he died . but putting a note inside it deep within the spare tire wheel well that said “This car belonged to the best man on earth” made it a little easier!
Hasty Changes – Finally, learn the lessons of those who have come before and beware making big changes out of raw emotion, whether fear, grief, confusion or bewilderment. Is it possible to stay with friends or rent your place while you think about whether or not you really want to sell and move? Postpone getting rid of all his clothes in case you realize you really do want to wear his plaid shirt raking leaves next fall? Avoid “garage sale meltdown” by leaving some of the sorting and purging for a more distant day? And whatever you do, ask a close friend’s honest opinion about whether or not you’re ready to date again; you might be dodging a heartache piled on top of a heartache.
Whatever changes you might make, big or small, daily habits or directional 180s, remember the key is “flexible planning” – having ideas about what you want along with the willingness to revisit decisions if things feel or turn out differently. Setting out on your new life is a journey through uncharted waters, but you can always choose to alter your course or take a slower pace. With time and experience, you’ll find your way to changes you embrace.
