Special Days

Birthdays, Anniversaries, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Christmas, Hanukkah, Eid, New Year’s, Valentine’s Day, Thanksgiving, graduations, weddings, the arrival of children and yes, even funerals – these and dozens of other ‘special days’ loom large in our human living. These are the days where we come together as family, friends and as part of the larger  community – to celebrate, to honour, to give thanks, to look back in gratitude or forward in anticipation, to acknowledge the bonds that we have with each other and with the larger Spirit of Life. 

In our living, these days can be the occasion for the most beautiful and memorable times of our lives. The big, joyful anniversary party that makes up for the tiny wedding, the late nights up being Santa and Mrs. Santa when the kids are small and Christmas is all about magic, the Valentine’s Day that still takes your breath away, your first Mother’s Day with your new baby, the incredible birthday surprise that still makes you smile, the big family feast for Spring Festival, Eid or Thanksgiving where everyone is gathered around the table – each is made sacred by the rituals we create, the meaning we make, the memories we recall.   

People will tell you that “The first year is the hardest” (not necessarily true by the way) and while there’s no question that the first Christmas/birthday/anniversary etc. without someone can be incredibly difficult, these ‘special days’ will always have the potential to find you awash in sadness. Grief, like an underground river running under your home, bubbles up from the ‘fault lines’ of days that were once wonderful occasions to celebrate, making the contrast between ‘then’ and ‘now’ even more painful.  

As a minister, I have conducted many ‘Blue Holiday’ services for those who find the holiday season particularly difficult (for any number of reasons) and I always make a note in my calendar to check in on the bereaved one year from the death of a loved one or to look back in my marriage registry for the anniversaries of those who have lost a spouse, so I may be more aware than many of the impact these days have. But I was still surprised at the undeniable vehemence with which these ‘anniversaries of the heart’ bear down on you after the loss of someone you love. 

Of course, grief is an everyday occurrence; unfortunately it’s the ‘gift that keeps on giving’ and adds a permanent colour to the painting of your life after the death of your beloved. It’s not as if you suddenly say to yourself  “Oh, wow, my husband died!” on the first anniversary of his death, or “Oh, gosh, my kids have no father!” on Father’s Days after he’s gone. Grief is cleverer than that – it’s both constant companion and stealth ambusher. It can find you in the midst of joy and laughter when you thought you were safe and also show up on a regular basis on days that would otherwise be normal. 

But precisely because of their nature, special occasions can be particularly tough. After all, what do you do with a milestone birthday that was never reached, a graduation that was missed, an empty Christmas stocking or half of a couple on an anniversary? And of course, the Mother of All Tough Days – the anniversary of your loved one’s passing, is created by your loss. It’s not a day that anyone wants to remember, but it’s one you can never forget.      

What I have discovered is that navigating through special occasions after a loved one has passed takes awareness, forethought and support. I am certain I had as many ‘misses’ as ‘hits’ in facing those days, but my approach to them was to always ‘Have a plan.’ Trying to be proactive about preparing for these days may not stave off every feeling of grief and sadness and sometimes you may even get it wrong. But being aware of them at least gives you a fighting chance. 

It can be helpful to make a list of upcoming ‘special days’ and think about what you can do to make them less painful. Do you want company or time on your own? Would you feel most comfortable in your own space or might a change of scene help? Does visiting their grave or memorial place make you feel sad or connected? Are there traditions you want to  keep, alter or perhaps discontinue completely? (See also ‘Traditions’)

When you compile the list, of course the obvious days will stand out – like birthdays, anniversaries and traditional holidays. But don’t forget days that have the ability to sneak up on you. I was mentally preparing for Father’s Day for weeks and completely missed the possible impact of Mother’s Day which Peter always made a very special day, with the girls’ help of course! That first Mother’s Day (only two weeks after my husband died, when the girls were too young and grief-stricken to remember) caught me up short for sure. 

All holidays are also inherently difficult because they are by their nature when we spend the most time with those we love, outside the routines of work and everyday life. Summer time, vacations and trips, winter school breaks – they’re all days when we feel keenly the loss of someone who was constantly by our side for fun times and celebrations. Days that have no specific name can also catch you unawares. The day you fell in love or the day your loved one got an awful diagnosis or the first time you attend an event as a single parent can all pack a surprise punch. Sometimes it’s not even the actual day but the colour of the sky in winter, a glorious summer sunset watched alone or the smell of leaves in autumn, marking a ‘season of sadness’ that precedes a painful anniversary. And sometimes it’s the day ‘before’ or ‘after’ that gets you or something as simple as someone missing at a holiday table.   

For several years I couldn’t understand why I tumbled into the pit of despair in early autumn, even though my husband had died in spring. I thought it might be the time between his birthday in early September and mine in late October until I figured out that it seemed to culminate near the end of October. I realized with a start one day that it was the traumatic anniversary of the big bleed that revealed his diagnosis on October 30. My psyche knew that it was counting down to the day my whole life changed, even if I didn’t. Now that I am aware, I have a conscious plan to stave off those feelings of dread starting in September. 

Even for those of us who are highly introverted or private about our grief, turning to others or being open to their kindness can make the biggest difference in facing hard anniversaries. I have been alone with my thoughts on difficult days and also gently accompanied by friends. The girls’ wonderful Godfather (and Godmother!) and other dear family friends have also stepped up so many times, often turning a poignant occasion into one of joy and celebration.   

Here’s a partial list of things I can remember I tried on ‘special days’ – some of them worked and some didn’t. What might help get you through those tough ‘anniversaries of the heart?’

Going out to dinner at the place he used to take us. Baking his favourite pie to share. Taking a trip and ‘getting out of Dodge.’ Accepting a friend’s offer to take the girls fishing (which their father used to do.) Having a ‘Gratitude Party’ to thank everyone who helped us make it through. Buying myself flowers on the days he used to bring them home. Sending other recent widows flowers anonymously on Valentine’s Day. Doing a ‘Galentine’s Day’ with girlfriends. Re-writing my wedding vows as a commitment to take care of all Peter gave me. Doing a New Year’s ritual for letting go of sadness (see ‘Take This Cup From Me. No, Really.’) Planting a memorial garden for him. A few years later, planting a garden in honour of my own resilience. Letting my friends take me for tea on the five year anniversary of Peter’s passing, something I never thought I’d be able to share with anyone. 

With a little thought, some advance planning and a lot of support, you can make it through even the most poignant and challenging of days. I’d love to hear what worked for you and wish you continued courage as you find your way.