On The Way

Navigating the changes that loss and bereavement bring

As the shock wears off, the reality sets in. What now?

What’s Inside

“Mourning is not forgetting… it is an undoing. Every tie has to be untied and something permanent and valuable recovered and assimilated from the dust.”
Margery Allingham, The Tiger in the Smoke

The earliest days of grief can feel like ‘adding insult to injury,’ a torrent of sadness interspersed with tasks you must do and decisions you must make while confused and despairing. It’s when the fog begins to lift a little that you come face-to-face with the reality of your now altered life. The change from partnered to on your own, the ‘firsts of everything’ looming ahead in the calendar, traditions you want to continue and those that must change, the longing to connect with your loved one and the journey of faith in understanding how love stays.

This task is like gleaning; going back through a landscape of loss that looks barren and lifeless and finding small treasures, not only of past glories, but also seeds for new plantings. It’s beginning the process of wresting life out of death, of going back and recovering what was given amid what was lost. You are ‘on the way’ from grief to gratitude; decidedly not there yet but being gentle with yourself while resolutely putting one foot in front of the other and taking the baby steps required to get there.

On The Way Reflections

On the Way

Griefitude

By Allison Barrett

In my experience, the first ‘era’ in losing someone (it doesn’t have to be a year, it could be much more or a lot less) is all about experiencing and ultimately surviving the raw emotions of grief. Although we can make decisions and often have to think clearly about our lives and show up for…

On the Way

Alone and Lonely

By Allison Barrett

One of the keenest, most painful parts of being widowed is the sensation of feeling alone and lonely, often after a lifetime of companionship. Of course, each person’s journey is different; some may have never lived on their own, moving from their parents’ home to their spouse’s, others may have had a rich and lengthy…

On the Way

Signs

By Allison Barrett

As a minister, I have been in the presence of death and bereavement more than many. And over the years I have had many different people share with me their feelings about a “sign” or connection from their loved one after they have died. A mysterious feather that floated into their hand, a rainbow that…

On the Way

Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

By Allison Barrett

“Don’t change anything in the first year!” How many times have we all heard that well-worn, well-meaning piece of advice? And in some ways, it’s true. When you lose someone you love, in a very real sense, you’re in shock. It feels as if the very foundation of your world has been shaken and nothing…

On the Way

Special Days

By Allison Barrett

Birthdays, Anniversaries, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Christmas, Hanukkah, Eid, New Year’s, Valentine’s Day, Thanksgiving, graduations, weddings, the arrival of children and yes, even funerals – these and dozens of other ‘special days’ loom large in our human living. These are the days where we come together as family, friends and as part of the larger …

On the Way

Comings and Goings

By Allison Barrett

My husband died at home, in our bed, in my arms. Of course, he also lived his life in our home, in our bed, in my arms. When we made the decision to have him at home in his final weeks (and I know we were fortunate to be able to do so) his doctor…

On the Way

Sacraments

By Allison Barrett

In theological school, we studied the history and meaning of so many religious terms. Forgiveness, karma, ahimsa (do no harm), ubuntu (I am a person only through other persons), redemption, contemplation, and my favourite ‘dark nights of the soul.’ (It’s a great help when you’re feeling low; you’re not depressed, you’re having a “dark night…

Woman preparing box for clothes donation

On the Way

Things

By Allison Barrett

Music I heard with you was more than music,And bread I broke with you was more than bread;Now that I am without you, all is desolate;All that was once so beautiful is dead. Your hands once touched this table and this silver,And I have seen your fingers hold this glass.These things do not remember you,…

On the Way

Traditions

By Allison Barrett

Every family has a way of doing things. We get the tree a week before Christmas. I pack the cooler, you pack the car. You do the turkey, I do the stuffing. I wash, you dry. We alternate holidays between your family and mine. I go out with the kids for Halloween, you stay home…